Dear Natasha
by javct
Summary: After a mission gone wrong, Natasha is left in a coma and Clint writes letters to her; in hope that she can hear. "Dear Natasha..."


**Author's Note:** Beta'd by Libby + Kate :)

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_You used to captivate me by your resonating light_  
_Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind_  
_Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams_  
_Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me_

* * *

_Dearest Natasha  
Autumn's arrived  
Let me just hold your hand tonight.  
Dearest Natasha  
Open your eyes  
Give me a chance to say  
I love you and goodbye  
_

* * *

**.**

**.**

**August 4 2012**

Dear Natasha,

I've been thinking about you a lot and what you've done to deserve this. You haven't done anything to deserve what happened to you—it isn't fair, yet, here we are: you in a comatose state with machines keeping you alive and me in my living room writing a letter to you. About the letter, I knew that you couldn't hear me if I talked to you, so I decided to write a letter to you instead. Just like in the movies, hey, Romanoff? So here we go, I will write to you every day until you wake up.

.

**August 5 2012**

Dear Natasha,

You haven't woken up yet and your vitals haven't changed. Of course, you know that but I just felt the need to tell you.

I miss you Tasha, I really do. I don't just miss the way you were around me, but the way you acted when you thought no one was looking; I miss the way you would lick the lid of your coffee before anything else. Honestly, I could list of everything that I missed about you, but, as you would say: "there is no point Barton, it's not as though I could hear you anyway." Is it wrong that I can hear your high-pitched annoying voice when I wrote that? Ah, screw it if it is. Just come back to me one day Natasha, I don't care if it's in a day or a thousand, just come back to me.

.

**August 20 2012**

Dear Natasha,

I just went on my first mission without you. To Budapest of all places! It rained when I was there, and do you know the first thing I noticed when the rain ended? Petrichor, your favourite smell. It was raining the first time I kissed you. Do you remember? I sure do. We were fighting, over something; I don't remember what we were fighting about, but all I remember was that I kissed you that night and to my surprise, you kissed me back.

Do you know that I still whisper, "Come back to bed Tasha," at night. It's almost as though my mind refuses to admit that you aren't coming home anymore. I used that word again; the word you hated: home. I still don't understand why you hate that word Natasha; it's a stable word, a word that won't change no matter what happens. Maybe that's what you hate about it; the fact that it doesn't change. You like change. That's why you cut your hair short. Was it because you never had a home as a child?

Look at me will you? I'm rambling again.

.

**August 31 2012**

Dear Natasha,

Can you hear me? Do these unsent letters make it to you? I really hope that they do; I'd like to think that you could still see me.

Do you dream? Are you dreaming now? What are you dreaming about? That's the one thing you wouldn't talk to me about. It didn't matter how much I pressured you; you refused to talk about what you dreamed about? I used to wish that you dreamed about me or at least something happy. Maybe you dreamed about wearing a white dress; lord knows that I dreamed about you in that dress. So do you dream in a coma? If you do, then I hope that you're dreaming about something happy.

We got another world threat today. This time it's from a mutant called Erik Lensherr and he wants 'world peace.' That's always the way isn't it? The bad guy wanting peace.

We haven't seen Loki in a few months; maybe we well and truly scared him off. We probably didn't, but at least we gave it our best shot.

.

**September 10 2012**

Dear Natasha,

Autumn has arrived. Autumn was your favourite time of the year wasn't it? Yeah, it was. I remember once—when we were in Australia (It was spring over there but I still think of it as Autumn)—you were sitting in a garden. You were just sitting there but you looked beautiful; serene and at peace. I think that was the only time that I ever saw without a gun by your side. You looked normal…domestic, almost. Could you imagine that, us being domestic? Raising a child, watching it go to school and the like? We never spoke about children. I suppose we should have. That's what normal couples do isn't it? Talk about their future? Their hopes and dreams? Well, here is mine: in my dream-future, I see you waking up and marrying me. We'll go and save the world in our spare time. The married-avengers: Natasha Barton. It has a nice ring to it doesn't it? Mrs. Clint Barton.

Natasha, come back please. The house is empty and cold without you; literally, I don't know how to fix the heating.

.

**September 15 2012**

Dear Natasha,

Have you thought about my offer? You know, the question that I asked before you went on your mission. I still haven't forgotten; you thought I would didn't you? I bet you thought that I would have found someone else by now as well, well, shame on you Natasha, me, unfaithful? You're not dead yet and I can't cheat on a girl who is in a coma! What do you take me for?

I got off topic.

Natasha, I asked you to marry me. An answer wouldn't be forgotten. Please Tasha, all I'm asking for is a sign that you're still in that frail body of yours. God, I barely recognize you anymore. I went to visit you today. Did you hear me? See me? Sense me? Anything? Your body is a shell of what it used to be Natasha, please, I'm begging you, please come back to me. I would give up anything to see you again, just once more. I just want to see you; I just want to hold you. Just once more. Is that to much too ask? Just one more touch or one more kiss?

Will you look at that? My hands are shaking as I'm writing this. My hands never shake. Natasha I need you, you can't comprehend how hard it is to come home to an empty house and know that you're not coming home.

.

**September 30 2012**

Dear Natasha,

When you come out of your coma you will have so many missed calls from me. I call your voicemail when I feel alone. Just the sound of your voice makes everything okay for that one moment. I'm sure that I can recite your voicemail off the top of my head now. It's almost been two months. Two months since he drove your car over that bridge. Two months since I kissed you last, two months since we last touched. It seems a bit longer for me. It doesn't seem like an eternity as passed, but it definitely feels longer than two months.

I talked to the doctors today, Tasha and they said that they don't expect you to recover soon. I don't understand. You didn't die, yet you're in a coma. Why can't you just wake up? Can't you will yourself to wake up or something? You're strong Natasha, stronger than most people. I know that you can just wake up; it's not that hard is it? It's not that hard to just wake up. Just open your eyes, that's all there is to it. Please, just for me, please just wake up. Even if it's just for a moment, please just open your eyes. So you can see what you're missing; you can see everyone again and maybe, just maybe, you can stay awake.

So wake up darling? Just for me, just wake up.

.

**October 17 2012**

Dear Natasha,

Tony and Pepper got married today. It was a beautiful autumn wedding with lots of paparazzi. We saved a seat for you Natasha, right next to me and Pepper made you a honourary maid of Honour. Everyone knows that she would have chosen you to be the maid of honour but seeing as you were otherwise…occupied, Agent Hill stepped in.

Thor came along just for the day. It had been a few weeks since we had seen him and he came in a tux! Can you imagine it Natasha, Thor in a tux? I think him meeting Jane again might have had something to do with it. You would have liked Jane; she's almost like the female-Bruce (just without the 'Hulking out' thing, thankfully). Oh, and Steve came with Peggy's granddaughter, who is also named Peggy after her grandmother. I just thought you should know that someone got a happy ending.

.

**October 31 2012**

Dear Natasha,

I almost died today. I'm actually in Hospital now as I write this to you. You see, we had a large battle in London against Erik Lensherr and he threw me off a building. I still didn't miss a shot though; I shot an arrow right through his head. He died and I almost followed in suit.

I thought of you Natasha. You were plastered in my mind as I was falling. I didn't care about dying or about the battle I only cared about you. Strange how that works isn't it?

.

**November 15 2012**

Dear Natasha,

Happy birthday. You always told me to never give you presents but I couldn't resist. I left your present by the side of your bed. You can open it when you wake up. Trust me, you'll love it.

.

**December 25 2012**

Dear Natasha,

Merry Christmas! You should have seen Stark Tower. Tony and JARVIS really went overboard with Christmas this year; it was amazing just how many Christmas lights they could fit on Stark Tower. It looked like a massive Christmas tree, just with more… Tony. We all bought presents for you; they're lying beside you for when you wake up. Is that an incentive for you to wake up? Please wake up Natasha, please.

.

**January 3 2013**

Dear Natasha,

You got worse today. Much worse. You're not only on a breathing apparatus, but also life support. The doctors don't know how much longer you've got left but they know it's not long. I've talked to Bruce and even he doesn't have a remedy. It's all so frustrating! All of this over a simple car crash in the water! It's ridiculous Natasha! I mean, out of all the ways to die I would have thought that you were going to die in battle or during a mission, but no, you are going to die because of a car crash. Seems kind of ironic doesn't it? The master assassin who never failed a mission dies of a simple, domestic cause. And do you want to know the worst part is? You can't even die fighting, you'll just take your final breath one day and that's it. You're gone; no immortal last words, no last kiss. You'll just die.

Then again, I suppose that's all there is. Death. It waits for all of us does it not? We are born to die and we live like we won't. Even if you die tomorrow Natasha, I just want you to know that you completed me. You really did. You made me see what I couldn't see and I made you see the beauty in living. The art of living, it was something neither of us could really master wasn't it?

Don't go just yet.

.

**January 10 2013**

Dear Natasha,

You're still here. Thank you.

I love you; don't leave me.

.

**January 11 2013**

Dear Natasha,

You're still breathing.

**.**

**January 12 2013**

Dear Natasha,

The team and Jane came to visit you today. The flowers at the end of your bed were wilted and dead so we replaced them. We gave you Tea Roses this time; Jane told us that in the language of the flowers they represented 'I'll Remember, Always.'

.

**January 13 2013**

Dear Natasha,

It rained today again. It wasn't a light drizzle nor was it raining cats and dogs, it was just simple rain. How come the most important things in our lives happen in the rain?

Our first kiss was in the rain, our first dance was in the rain and I proposed to you while it was raining outside. You're always different in the rain. I don't know what it is about you but your whole attitude changes, it's as though you are a completely different person. Your smile is just a little bit bigger and your hair seems just a little bit redder. You've always been more relaxed in the rain and you let your guard down. The rain, for some reason, sets you free.

It was in this rain that a thought occurred to me. It was a simple thought yet somewhat destructive. The thought was the truth. No matter how hard I try Natasha, no matter how hard I wish, you're not coming back. I could give you all the flowers in all the worlds and you still wouldn't wake.

I'm not one for crying Natasha, you know that to be true, yet here I am, soaking wet, writing you this letter, and crying. I don't know what's worse; that I'm crying over the truth or that I can't tell the difference between my tears or the rain. Are the two really so similar?

Natasha, my hands are shaking and the paper is now so wet I can barely read my writing, normally your touch would calm me down, but you're not here are you? You're lying in a hospital with nothing but a blanket to keep you warm.

Hold on, Natasha, I'm coming.

.

**January 14 2013**

Dear Natasha,

I didn't visit you today and for that I'm sorry. Do you remember how you used to say that we were never trained for monsters and magic? Well, I'm ready to dispute that. We were trained for everything; we were trained for killers, assassins and the like, but do you want to know what we weren't trained for? The one thing that we weren't trained for was one another. SHIELD trained us to kill whoever got too close and to not care for our feelings or someone else. Emotions made us weaker. Yet, there we stood, amidst a battle with nothing on our minds except each other. Love is for children, you always said. Do you know what I think Natasha? I think that you said love is for children but you didn't believe it.

.

**January 15 2013**

Dear Natasha,

We replaced the flowers with some Azalea's.

_Azaleas: Take Care_

.

**January 16 2013**

Dear Natasha,

Pepper's pregnant and Steve is going to be the godfather. Bruce and I are going to be uncle's, can you believe that?

.

**January 17 2013**

Dear Natasha,

Nothing of significance happened today. You're not dead, nor am I. In the end, I suppose that's all that matters is it not?

.

**January 26 2013**

Dear Natasha,

I attended your funeral today. It was an array of black umbrellas and black clothes. Director Fury was the pastor and he did a good job at it. I told people you were my fiancé today, I hope you don't mind. If things had not have of gone so poorly last year then I am sure you would have said yes, so I took it upon myself to slip your engagement ring on your finger before you were cremated.

It was a small funeral that was held in that garden in Australia. It was your favourite place in the world, you once said. I hope that hasn't changed in your coma.

Natasha, I didn't say anything about you at your farewell. I'm sorry. I wrote a eulogy and I couldn't get the words out. I just stood up there and cried; the page blurred and I couldn't read the words. You would have laughed at me, you really would have. Thankfully, Jane came up and read out your eulogy for me with a hand on my shoulder. She said it beautifully, more beautifully than I would have said it. The thing I found funny at the funeral was that people were saying that you were "violently taken from this world," but you weren't. You were taken in your sleep, that's the most peaceful way to go. Did you feel pain? I'm sorry if you did - I really am. Pain was the last thing you needed. There was not a dry eye in the room. See Tasha, people did care for you. They were all crying for you. Did you hear what I wrote for you? Did you hear it? Were you in the room Natasha? Were you standing beside me? I need some sign that you're still here. Just some sign that you haven't left. You wouldn't leave me, would you? Natasha, it took me too many years to realize that I loved you and even more to ask you on a date. Natasha Romanoff, you made me want to be a better than what I was. You made me want to be a better man than I was and you gave me something worth fighting for and now; I don't know what I'll do. 'Move on Clint,' you'd say if you were here, that's what you'd tell me to do isn't it? You'd tell me to move on with my life and to keep going, maybe even love again. I don't see that happening. I loved you Natasha and I always will. It will always be you.

And do you know what Natasha? Just one last thing before you go. It's raining outside.


End file.
